Virtual Reality .V2.0

Royally Pissed Off

2006-12-11T06:21:00.000-08:00

That's it.

Blogspot does not like me.

This damn window keeps on hanging everytime i write an entry.

Therefore, i'm abandoning this blog - until further notice.

Urgh.

Common Opinion

2006-12-09T06:21:00.000-08:00

Watching that 70's show right now - it is damn funny.

And it attests to my friends' opinions that all men think about is sex.

Tell me if i'm wrong - i'm open to ideas.

Obscene Flattery

2006-12-05T09:09:00.000-08:00

Some things should be done tactfully.

Others should not.

It's irritating and borders closely on manipulation.

And other than anger and wrath, nothing else is more evident.

Eyes narrow.

Teeth clench.

Hands fist.

It may have been done in good will, but you played me for a fool.

Therefore -

Teeth clench.

Hands fist.

Eyes narrow.

I dislike you.

The doors are closed.

You cannot weave those lies no more.

Too many layers

2006-10-28T06:58:00.000-07:00

Layering

Layer by layer, again and again.

It was something she understood - something that was fact set in stone, engraved in the ages, yet it was only now that realization had sunk in.

These people...

The smiles, the laughter and the intricate lively dances woven together into a beautiful sticky web.

Tangles.

They were as real as the intangible ideals people hold dear to their hearts.

They were as solid as air.

They were no more than nothingness.

She understood that there were facades - too many to count, too many layers woven in.

And yet she had let herself embrace that seemingly perfect, that seemingly wonderous thing.

What was she thinking?

Or rather, was she even thinking at all?

And when that tangle snapped and wavered under tension, she caught a glimpse of the ugliness within.

It make her recoil in a mixture of fear and disgust.

She saw the hidden depths.

She saw the imperfection.

And suddenly, was reminded that it never was perfect in the first place.

...

Perhaps that was why she was here now, standing here at the edge between reason and idealism.

Standing at the edge...

For he, the epitome of perfection and everything she dreamed of, had reached out to her...

And asked her to come along.

She smiled - a rather bittersweet thing.

She would, will, always choose idealism.

"You came."

She smiled, reveling in the dark velvets of his voice. "Yes, i did."

"Let us go."

She nodded once, turning to follow him almost at once, never sparing that cold, practical reality another glance as she faded into the haze of perfection.

(c) blade 2006

Warning!

2006-10-27T10:07:00.000-07:00

Oh gosh.

I just came back from the NUS musical - Swingers, i think. Ah~ Heck the name. Anyway, yeah, just came back like...an hour ago. Stupid shit.

There was a jam on the way back which costs me 18 bucks in cab fare. Damn.

Anyway, that's not the worst of it.

The musical, which costs 15 bucks, was the worst musical experience i had the misfortune of ever experiencing.

The 2 hours plus was pure torture.

If not for the fact that my dear friend and her co-actor, and some other side actor that went by the name of Ricado or something of that sort, i would have left without a second thought.

It was a musical.

So the most important thing is supposed to be the music, right?

Which was horrifying.

The lyrics were terrible. And believe me - i'm not known to be fussy about music but i cringed at the lyrics. They don't flow, they don't rhyme, they don't sound nice with the tune. Basically, it's like trying to fit a piece of prose comprising of huge bombastic words into music.

It didn't work.

In fact, it more than didn't work.

It turned out to be a nightmare.

Plus, the actors and actresses can't sing for nuts. Or at least they can't on stage because they kept going off-tune. So think about it: The lyrics were nightmarish, plus, the singers couldn't sing it right.

Like duh~ That's what you get for trying to act, dance and sing at the same time. Not to mention you're on a stage with lights. Come on! The least you can do is to pre-record the music! At least something will turn out right - not that it helps much since the lyrics were terrible.

Yes!

I just can't get over the fact that the lyrics were so horrendous. Like...if you can't write lyrics, don't! Especially not for a musical which tickets cost 15 freakin' bucks!

And yeah.

The props were rather slipshod too, unprofessional and all but yeah, i can close an eye to that since it is a musical and all.

And my conclusion?

I'm never ever gonna attend another NUS play ever again, especially when it is overpriced with music that makes me cringe. And that's a first. I can't ever remember having cringed at music before - not unless you count the chalk screeches on the chalkboard as music.

Plus, the roses were wilted, dead and dying. And they cost a freakin' two bucks.

Argh.

Bad experience.

Very bad experience.

I'm never gonna go back there again.

I mean, if you're gonna hold a musical, the least you can do is put your best effort into it instead of coming up with some slipshod work. It makes me wonder what the heck the rest of the audience were doing, clapping and cheering so loudly and enthusiastically for such~ argh.

Plus! The jokes they made should never surface in a supposed 'classy' theatre that only allows late entry during breaks.

Gosh.

I don't know whether to laugh or to cry at the fact i just wasted my friday night.

Well, at least i met up with my dear friend. I guess that overrides everything else.

However!

This doesn't change the fact that the play still sucks.

It's a fact set in stone.

How unfortunate for them~ (Like i really care)

Reminiscence

2006-09-15T23:15:00.000-07:00

On impulse, i clicked on Hong Lou Meng - the recording we did during enCOre and i realised how much i loved, love Chinese Orchestra.

The music, the feeling, the pure rush of emotions and adrenaline. The height of emotions that can be distinctly felt in the music and i realize what is missing.

This is.

This rush of emotions.

This passion.

This wonderful wonderful feeling.

I want to play again.

Not just with Kurenai, but with the orchestra. The practice, the music, the making faces at people sitting opposite you, the poking people awake and the countless amounts of sweets. The dismayed feeling that settles in the pit of your stomach as you realize that you simply cannot understand what the conductor is trying to say. And of course, the getting lost in the scores, the out of tunes, the screeching and my dearest partner playing cute silly songs silently to stave off the boredom as the conductor concentrates on some other section.

I love it.

I miss it.

It is beautiful and it is such a wonderful experience.

The sweaty palms. The cold fingers. The nervousness and excitment as you're faced with the stagelights. The flipping of scores. The changing of scores. The timing. The shrill pitch of the dizi. The melodious melodious gaohu that they make seem effortless.

I love it.

I want it.

I even miss the politics, if only because life is never perfect and imperfection is a form of perfection in itself. And the constant teasing. And the "cannot make it"s that always seem to come my way.

It all comes down to nostalgia i guess.

The grass here is sweet.

But the grass there is beautifully lush and green and the lingering sweetness will never go away.

The people.

The teachers.

All the crappy stupid stuff we faced.

The tears.

The laughter.

The wonder of it all.

It's different - performing on stage and sitting down in the audience and just passively listening. There is no rush, no heightened emotions, no adrenaline. No passion.

And that is what is missing.

For now at least.

I should go, for biz law is waiting.

Distance

2006-09-01T10:26:00.000-07:00

Distance

Distance - it was like a huge gaping hole between them that could never be breached. He because he could not reach her, and she because she would not reach out.

It was something that would remain between them forever. That icy dark gap between them - something intangible and yet so very real.

He could almost feel it, taste it - in her speech, actions and every little thing she did, and it frustrated him so much that that gap was there.

That damned distance was there and he could never get her, hold her and be allowed to love her.

And that was why when he stumbled onto the deck and saw her reaching out to the stars, leaning against the metal rail with dried tear tracks on her cheeks, he could only hide in the corner and watch her.

Always watch her and make sure she would never fall too far such that she would be unable to climb back up again.

As he always did.

As he always will do.

She stepped back from the rail, the wistfulness she always portrayed no longer present in her features and he melted into the deep shadows.

She would never know that he was always watching her.

Watching her as she went back into her dorm, he knew, with a certainty - that the next day he saw her, the tear tracks would have been long gone and that the shadows of darkness would have faded, only to surface again at night.

He wondered if she ever knew of the distance between them, large and gaping, and the fact that he would never be able to breach it - not alone.

He would probably never know.

(c) blade 2006

Hm...a sleep deprived brain always ends up with me coming up with such twisted, complicated stuff. Rather dark material though, don'cha think?

and it begins

2006-08-21T06:27:00.000-07:00

School starts tomorrow.

The freaking out stage is over and now, my mind is preoccupied with what i need to bring for tomorrow. I have this feeling i forgot something - i always forget something, and i can't remember what. Well duh, i forgot it.

Crap.

Anyway, yeah.

I've this feeling i'm not gonna be able to sleep tonight - my mind would be checking against the list to help me figure out what to bring tomorrow, or if i forgot anything that i need, or would be doing lah dee dah.

I hate this part of life.

Or rather, yeah, the part that causes me to lose sleep.

Argh.

Oh well, it happened, is happening and will happen again.

Life is life.

The back door has vanished and the only way is the door in front.

I have this feeling that my writing style has been afftected by muscle museum. It's a weird song - reminds me of dark dank alley ways. Odd.

P.S: My notebook is damn heavy. Damn.

Click

2006-08-17T09:10:00.000-07:00

Well well well~

So like, i've just watched Click today and i realised what a coincidence it is - considering that my entry before this was about priorities.

Anyway, Click was a cool movie - for those that hasn't watched it, go watch! It's nice. A comedy, but well...you might need tissues around. So yeah, bring your tissues people!

But even though it was a comedy, it really was kinda deep.

And i probably should confess that i may just be guilty of his mistakes too.

It's like, when you've got so much to do, you kinda lose track of everything, you know~

So i've decided!

A balance is required.

The only problem is how to achieve that balance...

...

I'm sleep-deprived, brain-dead and rather hyper, which doesn't really make any sense and so i think i'm rather OOC right now.

Perhaps i should leave the deep reflections to another day, when i'm less likely to spew rubbish every time my fingers touch the keyboard.

Yeah.

I think i should.

Priorities and Purpose

2006-08-15T20:52:00.000-07:00

My writing days are officially over - or rather, my long periods of writing are. All those multi-parts are now gonna be chucked to the darkest recesses of my mind and well...left to ferment until i can a) figure out a plot, b) finding time and discipline to write them and c) actually writing them down.

It's kinda sad, really, but on the list of priorities, it's at the rock bottom, so yeah. Goodbye, farewell and goodnight, my dear muse!!

I have a feeling that i've jumped on the fast track of the train and am just travelling along, not noticing the scenery and all the pretty things that go along with it. And to think school hasn't even started yet.

You know those introspective moods? The ones that leave you feeling detached and rather in a haze? Yeah, those. I haven't had them in a long long while and it's so weird. Odd, and rather disturbing. It's like...i'm just going with the flow or something - you know, just travelling along and stuff. And that's not good, or at least, i don't think it is.

Crap.

Well...i guess the rapids are more fitting a comparison than the fast moving train. The train...the journey feels kinda rough. Not to say that the rapids aren't; they're just too fast and cold for one to feel anything. Or at least that's the impression i get - since i've never been on the rapids before...

I need a purpose in life, something to anchor me and stuff. Same ol', same ol'. The lack of ambition and all that.

I mean, one's purpose is a very important thing. Otherwise, we'll just be drifting along with time and going with the flow. Then what?

Then what?

Then when you look back, you see that time has just flown by in a blink of an eye. And you wonder - what have i been doing all this while? It's rather frightening, in a way. It's always a matter of time management, lah dee dah. That's what everyone says. But time management to do what? And why?

Scary, isn't it?

Perhaps i should go read the 'Purpose-driven life' again. I'm on the next chapter of my life - it's time i've found my purpose.

Hm...the twisted stuff that gets coaxed out of my brain by a song. Listening to Unintended by Muse. I blame the friend who got me hooked on it!

Speed

2006-08-13T07:09:00.000-07:00

Picture this - you're trying to jump down from a fast-moving train. Are you able to? Can you?

Your heart is thudding furiously, and your hands are wet and clammy. You have to jump! But you can't.

The ground is rough and sharp with stones and it blurs before your eyes - it is too fast!

Your grip on the railing tightens as your legs start to shake.

You are frightened.

It will hurt, you know it.

You will survive it - it was almost a surety.

And yet...

You just can't.

It was fast, too fast.

The clock's ticking and time is running out.

You glance forward, only to see the road coming to an end a distance away.

Too small a distance away.

You bite back a sob and try not to cry.

Closing your eyes, you will your feet forward, forcing your grip apart.

And then you jumped.

(c) blade 2006

Time is flying by too fast. Or is it just me?

Passion

2006-08-08T23:10:00.000-07:00

Passion

Being a mercenary was very much different from being a soldier - as he begins to realize. It was, for one, much more detached. After all, fighting for another, fighting for some other cause but his own, didn't serve to make him passionate.

Not about fighting.

Not about caring.

He never really understood the difference before - never understood why countries would not just surrender, never understood why they would just keep on fighting even though the odds were stacked high against them.

He thinks he understands it much better now.

After all, he has something precious to protect now.

Granted, it was nothing as large as a country, nor nothing as important (to others) as his other missions. Yet...it was precious.

And now, he can feel the passion.

He can feel the adrenaline coursing though his veins - even as they continue to bleed dry.

But it does not matter.

He has someone to protect and he will die before he allows anything to happen to her.

It is sad, he thinks, that he had never understood before.

Never understood the meaning of dying for one's country.

Never understood the passion behind it all.

Never understood where that drive came from.

A smile graced his lips.

At least - he understands it now.

And it is not too late.

Not for her anyway.

(c) blade 2006

Whoo! This was hard, and i think there are some really blaring grammar mistakes there... but then again, i'm not too sure. So yeah.

Well...yeah. Happy Birthday S'pore!!

Sorting things out

2006-08-04T07:43:00.000-07:00

Whoa, it's been a while since i last wrote a decent entry on this blog - sans all the fleeting inspirations that leave me feeling rather morbid and introspective each time...

I'm feeling entirely random today - which is a really odd thing because usually, i have this urge to just do something. Unfortunately, it isn't the case. It's funny really. I'm sleepy, but i don't wish to sleep...you know, lack of leisure and all that.

Don't look at me like that!

...

Okay. Fine! Yes, i have been slacking for more than half a year now, but well...one could never have enough leisure time, right?

Right.

So yeah. I'm like...i'm not too sure how to describe this state of mind. Well...i guess detached's a good word to use. I'm rather peeved that my dictionary is missing - something that has never happened before since i've moved house. I wonder if i misplaced it or if someone actually kidnapped it and happily waltzed away with it.

I mean, i have this vague impression that it was on the table when i left for camp...and it's no longer there now. I love my dictionary. It's a very important tool, especially for writing purposes and well...something to stave off the boredom. (is that the right word to use? Oh crap, where's my dictionary when i need it!)

I must be really bored here, if i actually managed to dedicate two whole paragraphs to it. Argh, don't mind me. I just need to type something down. You know, to sort out thoughts and all. I'm not sure what to think actually - about everything. It's like a fogged up world...you know? The haze and all? Well yeah, that's basically it.

I'm actually rather tempted to blame it on the lack of ambition but well...it shouldn't really be the case. Not exactly. So yeah. I'm stuck.

Oh yes, the camp! The business Bondue camp @ SMU.

Crap. This is not good. There is something seriously wrong with me. I spent three days and two nights enjoying myself at the camp and all that comes out of my brain is what?! The camp is fun.

Gosh.

Surely i can be more descriptive than that!

Apparently, my brain doesn't agree with me, so yeah. That's about all i can say - The bondue camp is fun. I didn't get much sleep though, but then again, who actually sleeps at camp? Okay...so maybe some people do, but i've kinda cultivated the habit of not sleeping at camps - unless of course, i'm at high risk of dropping dead the next day. Which is well...what i think will happen at CircleX, so there. Gonna have'ta sleep for that one.

But i digress.

The camp! Well...i was in group 19 and yeah. We were rather slack - which is pleasant and very fine by me. Hahaz. In case you didn't know, i'm an official slacker here. So yeah. Hahaz. The facilitators were cool and i'm really glad to say i made new friends there. So there! Okay...i guess that's a better description than "the camp's fun." Not all that much better, but yeah. I guess it works for now.

I need to get out of this haze - though it seems that penning down my extremely random thoughts doesn't seem to work, which is really quite crappy but yeah.

I'm toying with the idea of setting up a new blog, or a livejournal account to, you know...stuff all my drabbles there instead of here. It's kinda a mess, don'cha think? I mean, my insane ramblings all mixed up with my fleeting pieces of inspiration...

Hm...i wonder if anyone actually reads this crap i write? Cause the last time i checked, it seems that people actually follow this. I'm really quite surprised. Of course, i have no way to keep track of everything - since i'm just too lazy to get a counter and a tagboard / tagbox is out of the question.

Why, you ask?

Long story. Fullstop.

Well yeah...so like...where was i again?

Oh, yeah. Livejournal. Or maybe friendster - but i think not. There's too much traffic over there. Hahaz. Besides, i'm not a big fan of friendster - though i can't exactly remember the reason why.

For you guys out there who actually read my entries and acutally managed to make head or tail out of this entry - i salute you.

Since i can't really follow what i wrote either.

Gah.

Supposedly Uncomplicated

2006-07-26T06:32:00.000-07:00

Supposedly Uncomplicated

She didn't understand, but then again, she never did.

After all, she wasn't the one born into the fighting, the bloodshed and all the shit that went with it. She was just an outsider, at the wrong place at the wrong time - and she had just gone with the flow.

And look where she ended up - right in the midst of a raging war.

She was rather tempted to blame it on bad karma and all that crap, but even that didn't make sense to her. But then again, nothing ever made sense.

Alex said they fought for peace.

Zoe said they were fighting furiously for liberty.

Kendel said they were fighting because of differences in ideology.

Meredith, that sweet and unassuming vice-captain of the elite infiltration squad, sad that it was because of religion.

Will, armory-in-charge, said that it was because mankind had egos too big for the world to handle.

And James? That quiet introspective guy - he said it was legal genocide. After all, he had stated rather levelly, wasn't the human population too large for the earth to handle?

She was shocked speechless.

Her friends were either too dehumanized after all those missions, or they were just plain callous. Or had they simply lost their faith in the good of mankind?

She shook her head furiously, willing those disturbing thoughts away.

Alex had said they fought for peace - a word she heard him use too many a time. She spared a moment to wonder if he even understood that word. Or if Zoe understood liberty, and Kendel differences in ideology.

Her inability to arrive at a concrete answer made her frown.

She didn't understand.

Why were they fighting?

Was it the oxymoronic thought process of having war so that one attain peace most treasured?

A sarcastic smile graced her usually-pleasant features.

She didn't understand, couldn't understand.

Every life is precious - didn't they know that? Especially since they faced death so often in the face. Then why?

Why go to war?

Why resort to physical violence?

Why did such a thing - her hand gripped her sleek handgun, exist?

Furious exasperated tears threatened to fall.

Because.

She let a sad smile grace her face as the answer came to her like light at dawn.

They didn't listen.

That's why.

(c) blade 2006

Whoo! Deep, i think. Anyone spot the GWing theme in there? Haha.

UnGraceful Retreat

2006-07-14T04:56:00.000-07:00

UnGraceful Retreat

From the start, he had known that she would never be his... Yet it never stopped him from feeling, trying - to get her to love him. Even the smallest bit of love would've been enough...enough for him to soar to the skies above in sheer delight. So he tried. He tried to get her to love him.

In a way, he was in denial...or most probably blind.

After all, it was common knowledge that she was head over heels over the stoic captain. Correction - everyone was.

It irked him to know that the captain never noticed her - too involved with that civilian to ever notice her. And it irked him even more that she would not stop loving him - someone who didn't even know she existed.

He was bitter...unsurprisingly.

He who wanted her so much could not even touch her, and yet the one who could...the one whom she would willingly die for, did not even know her. Would not even spare her a glance - spare all his fans a glance, simply because he was too obssessed with that civilian to even notice.

He wanted to break something.

He broke his wrist.

(c) blade 2006

Yeah...i know, it's rather weird. The flow of the story isn't that fluid either. Hm...maybe i'd post a rewrite sometime later~ who knows?

Proud to Be Singaporean

2006-06-30T04:47:00.000-07:00

Seriously! I am so freakin' pissed. I mean, fine...some people just don't happen to like their country, but seriously! What the hell?

I just came across this nick in chat and i am so ready to spit fire at him! Like come off it! (so i don't know if he's Singaporean - though i'm kinda certain he is) but i at least know he spent too much time in Singapore - like, for education?

So what the hell?

I mean, hate is such a strong word to use! Especially on a country that you'd live in half your life!

And just in case you haven't noticed? I actually like my country! Granted, i do bemoan the fact that we don't have halloween balls in schools - like in A Cinderella story, and i do dislike SPA. And i do complain that the weather is too hot and we don't have the four seasons (and thus, four wardrobes). And i would love to go New Zealand and ride horses and admire the lake. And i don't like the dirty waters. However, i like my country. And i like my home, despite the weather and stuff.

And it pisses me off how some people can just blatantly annouce that they hate the country. Like, what the hell! Aren't you the very ungrateful one!

What has she done to you to make you hate her so? Other than, perhaps, providing you with citizen/resident ship and perhaps? Providing you with an education!!

I mean, how bitter can one get?

Oh, yes, i forget.

Very bitter indeed, if you are after all, seeing her through tinted color glasses.

Singapore is very unlucky to have you step through her doors - that, for one thing, is definite.

Butter and Dough

2006-06-28T07:58:00.000-07:00

I finally went back to baking, and then i realised why exactly i stopped in the first place.

I hate the lingering smell of butter and dough on my hands, and the fact that the kitchen is so warm! Mind you, it is not impossible for me to sweat after walking for five minutes on a fine day. So imagine the heat! Oh well...

But then again, i live with that heat all the time - i've got quite an *elastic metabolism here. Hahaz, see the asterisk? Yeah, it's the influence of Economics.

Dotz.

Yeah, i know. But i really really don't like that smell of butter and dough, which i would always get when baking bread simply because i have to knead the dough!

And yeah...i do realise the existence of the bread machine - something that i doubt i'd ever use though, due to the fact that the reason i make bread is to knead the dough...which is really the fun (and smelly) part of it.

Gosh...

It's like...equivalent trade or something. <-- those who watch FMA, you know what i'm talking about right? hahaz.

Oh, and guess what? I just realised that the fics i wrote get so little hits because the fandoms themselves are super small! Which is a sad sad thing. Very, really.

I mean, now i understand the mindset of those who publish their works! It's exactly that! Constructive feedback! Or...actually, not so much of that. More of a...what's that called again? Oh yeah, fan reviews! Yeah...i guess that's a rather appropriate word to use.

I attempt to finish the whole fanfic thing by August, but on foresight, i think it's never gonna happen. Simply because i'm such a huge procrastinator and my inspiration isn't flowing!!

And that's basically the problem. Not to mention reality's starting to seep into my little glass globe of a world.

Life sucks.

Cruel

2006-06-26T20:42:00.000-07:00

Cruel
teaser

He hated to see her cry, so when he saw those precious tears leak out her eyes, he wanted to kill something. The only thing was that the one he should kill was himself.

"I'm sorry." The apology was automatic as it rolled off his tongue. She shook her head, closing her eyes.

"There is nothing we can do, is there?" She asked, a cynical smile upon her beautiful face. Her eyes were trained at the ground. He wanted so much to see her eyes.

He shook his head, hands fisting subconsciously at his side as he was once again reminded how helpless the situation was. "No." His voice was low and resigned.

She looked up then. "Then you must go." He could see her fighting to keep her tears in, and she was succeeding. She was always strong. That made it all the sadder now that she was trying not to cry. "There is no other way."

He wanted to deny and tell her that surely...surely there was some other way. Surely there was a way for both of them to live a happily ever after!

"You must go." She repeated once again and his denial, his resolve at finding something, anything to aid them crumbled.

"You won't be here when I come back." It was a statement. She tried to smile, failing miserably. A tear broke free and slid down her smooth cheek.

"No I won't," was her whispered reply. "This- This will-" She shook her head, steeling herself for what she was about to say.

A sense of irrational fear coursed through him then. Impulsively, he threw his arms around her and crushed her to his chest. "Don't." He pleaded, voice harsh.

He felt her arms snake around his torso to embrace him back. Her bony fingers latched onto the cotton fabric of his shirt and clung to it like a lifeline.

"This- Alex, this will-"

"Don't!" He shouted, burying his face in her soft black hair the texture of silk. "Don't say it!"

He felt, rather than saw, her burrow her face in his chest and felt his shirt grow damp. She took a shuddering breath and he was suddenly very afraid of what she was about to say.

"This is goodbye." Her voice was watery and weak, unlike the usual cool and confident tone he likened her to.

He closed his eyes in defeat, tears leaking out of his eyes as he held her closer, if that was even possible.

"I-" She broke off.

"I'd miss you." She finally said.

The less emotional part of his mind reminded him that she was never one for declarations of love and that he was very privileged to have pried the confession out of her.

"I love you.' He said. The words were familiar, to them both. He said it too many times, and she heard it once too many.

He felt her stiffen, then pull out of his crushing embrace. He let her. She stepped back, wrapping her thin arms around herself, all the while holding him in silent regard.

He submitted himself to her scrutiny, losing himself in her beautiful, if not watery, black orbs the color of ink. Finally, she graced him with a sincere sad smile.

"I love you too."

It was nothing more than a whisper, but he heard it loud and clear and that was enough for him. He smiled, feeling rather torn inside. She loved him, really loved him, and yet…

He took a step forward, gently pulling her into his arms until they were mere centimeters apart.

"Thank you," he whispered before kissing her chastely on the lips.

They parted a moment later. She was smiling through her tears. And then she kissed him.

They parted, only to breathe and continue again.

Words were not enough to express what they felt for each other, and so no more words were given.

-END-

(c) blade 2006

Whirlwind of Thoughts

2006-06-25T03:42:00.000-07:00

I have always prefered typing to writing things down in a notebook or something, simply beacause my train of thoughts aren't impeded by the speed of my writing - or rather, the lack of speed in my writing. Anyway, that isn't really the main issue here.

My fangirl is screaming to get out and just...well, squeal away since she has found a new love in anime. However, the other more realistic part of me is still sorta getting frustrated with everything else. Or rather, a particular incident.

It's really kind of stupid, but my train of thought decided to leech onto it and the only way i know how to get it moving off to very much greener pastures would be to pen it down. And so here i am now. Oh well.

So, going onto the topic - Friends.

You know how people always talk about peer pressure and all that shit and stuff about friends forever? Well, in a way i am going around that, but in way, i'm not. Not really.

Rather, i'm on the subject of opinions. So...your friend's opinions matter, don't they?

--> insert imaginary yes

Well...only some of them do. Most don't actually.

To me, they only matter if you are close to them, want to keep them, respect them, value them, so on and so forth. Others don't really matter. Of course, it's nice if those that aren't really close to you give you nice advice and stuff - you'd feel happy and all that, but on the other hand, if they give you opinions that you don't agree with etc, there's really no need to fret over it.

Simply put - they don't matter.

--> insert incredulous, shocked and hurt look

*rolls eyes*

Come off it! You can't expect to be close to everyone, pay attention and change simply because of X's opinions! Life doesn't work that way.

If life does, we're all in for a sad sad life if you ask me.

And so, to X, i'm sorry if your opinions don't matter to me, and so if you meet me next time, please don't be shocked that i didn't take your advice and make any life-altering decisions simply because of the words that spew out of your golden mouth.

Face it. Your opinons don't matter.

--> insert dramatic gasp and swoon

On a lighter note, now that all the anger and sarcasm is out of the way, Ouran High School Host Club is damn funny! I do so hope that King and Haruhi get together! King is just super cute! Just a while ago, i was at this bookstore and they actually have the manga up to volume 7! Whoa, boy was i shocked. I didn't know they stocked up so fast. Imagine my surprise.

I was like, sitting on my heels as i browsed through the volumes with this hardcover dictionary on my lap and this little girl over to my right reading some fiction book. I was like...okay. Kinda out of place.

Anyway, i figured that Final Approach can be chucked into the same category as Love Hina and Shuffle! and Ah! My Goddess. So basically, i gave up on that show - the plot just didn't appeal to me.

Well, that's all for fangirl.

My lack of ambition finally decided to well...change, for lack of a better, more appropriate word. In the end, i chose Japanese over French, simply because there's anime. *sweatdrop* Yes, i know. But anyway, i'm not gonna give up on French - it is such a romantic language. I'd probably learn it after i grasp the basics of Jap or something.

Latin doesn't sound all too bad either, though...it isn't very practical. Not for me anyway, considering where my life is taking me.

Oh well.

Coming Unglued

2006-06-18T09:19:00.000-07:00

Coming Unglued

They were supposed to be together.

They were supposed to last forever.

They never got the chance...

^^^

She could not believe it.

Even as she stared at his sightless eyes, warm blood still pooling from his gaping wound on his side, she could not believe it.

She knelt down beside him, her fingers a gentle caress against his still-warm skin. The blood smudged on her fingers, leaving them sticky.

He was still warm and she could still see him breathe. Therefore, he could not be dead.

How could he? He promised her a lifetime of happiness, even in this war-torn world. So how could he?

Tears glistened in her eyes and she willed them not to fall.

He was not dead, and therefore, she would not cry.

Yet the tears continued to pool, and he became a blurry mess of red and pale in front of her eyes. Hurriedly, she blinked, wiping the tears with the back of her hand.

She would not allow him to disappear before her. She would not allow him to leave!

"Kendel! Zoe! What are you doing?" She screamed hysterically, eyes never daring to leave him. "Get over here! He needs help! Kendel!"

She could hear hushed whispers, and then, awkward silence.

His skin was becoming cold and the blood freezing to her skin. She stared at his chest, felt his pulse, rubbed his frozen fingers - all in desperation.

"Please!" her face scrunched up in grief and fat tears rolled down her cheeks. "Please! You promised. You promised. You can't just leave me here. Alex...please." She broke down into sobs, her entire body shaking - only this time, there was no one to hold her, no one to tell her everything was going to be alright. Because it wasn't going to be!

He was dead.

Her knight in shining armor, her captain, was dead.

Alex was dead and there was nothing she could do about it!

"Aki." The voice was low and rather hoarse, and it was laced with sadness. She ignored it - the voice was not Alex's, and therefore inconsequential.

He had died to save her.

It tore at her heart - she being the one that killed him. She was his undoing. Even his superiors had warned him against her, and yet he did not listen. He should have obeyed his orders, for least, he wouldn't be dead.

She had never told him how much he meant to her, and he too, never forced a confession. And now, he would never know. Even more so since their last conversation ended horribly.

She had the sudden urge to laugh, and she wondered if she was going insane.

She told him she hated him. A flash of hurt crossed his eyes before it was replaced with that tender look she never saw him give anyone else.

"I still love you anyway." He fixed her with those knowing eyes, a warm hand coming up to caress the side of her face. Until she turned away - and then the touch was gone.

And all that was left was ice.

That, and the blank look in his eyes, the metallic tang of blood and the tears still coursing down her face.

(c) blade 2006

Inspired by Final Fantasy X's Sudeki Da Ne.

How spastic is it to cry at your own inspiration? Coz this wasn't the first time it happened. Kinda sad really. [I'm real sleepy right now, so pardon my linguistic errors]

Twisted

2006-06-14T03:44:00.000-07:00

Twisted
[same universe as breathless]

It never failed to make her wonder if this was normal, she thought as she watched the three of them walk down the pristine white corridors, laughing and joking with merriment in their eyes.

Just yesterday, they had been on a mission and when they returned in the dead of night, they were bruised, tired, dark shadows underneath their eyes. Kendel even had blood stains on the front of his shirt! She remembered being worried, almost close to tears as she watched them disembark from the plane.

And less than twelve hours later, they were talking about- what was it again? Oh, yeah. They were discussing porn. Or rather, the advantages of having porn around. Zoe was scandalized, of course, and proceeded to tell them exactly why she disapproved of it. Alex and Kendel seemed verily amused.

And her? She didn't know what to think! Their topics of conversation often left her feeling disconcerted and lost, simply because they were so...random. Like today, for example. When she joined the trio, the first thing she was asked was the brand of conditioner she prefered. And the topic skipped onto food, the rapids, Mickey Mouse and now - porn.

Vaguely, she wondered if the behavior was normal. As inexperienced and as ignorant as she was, she was intelligent enough to know that the blood on Kendel's shirt was not his and that the mission, whatever it entailed, was nothing short of bloody - if the shirt was anything to go by.

"Aki?"

She snapped up at the sound of her name, meeting amethyst eyes. "Alex." His name rolled off her tongue fluidly.

Zoe was looking at her oddly - something akin to plea and desperation in Zoe's eyes, and Kendel? He looked uncomfortable and wouldn't meet her eyes.

"Don't you think there's something up with them both?" His voice held a tinge of mischief and it finally clicked in her brain.

Working up a smirk, she replied airily. "Yeah." Flashing a sweet smile at Zoe, she continued. "They look way too close. Suspicious really."

Zoe positively sank, glancing up at her with doleful eyes. Kendel however, was too busy glaring at Alex to give her the time of day. She let a small laugh escape her, though she wasn't sure what exactly she found funny.

Kendel was nineteen. Alex and Zoe were seventeen and she herself sixteen. Yet...the three of them had been accepting missions since the age of fourteen? Watching them banter playfully with each other made her wonder if they were really ready for the job description.

It seemed to her that they haven't really grown up, and yet...their eyes were ageless, as if they had seen enough.

"So, you're gonna take the test next month, aren't you?"

She flashed Zoe a bright smile, nodding. "Yeah. I'd be joining you guys in no time!"

She was rewarded with a whoop from Zoe, a 'hell yeah!' from Alex and a smirk from Kendel.

What exactly was she getting into?

They reached the firing range and Kendel wasted no time in getting his favored gun, Alex hot on his heels. Zoe flashed her a kick-ass smirk before joining the queue, leaving her to follow after.

And as she watched them; child-like faces handling their weapons with ease, laughing, barely contained excitement dancing across their eyes - knowing full well that they were mercenaries and could kill her in less than ten seconds were she their enemy, she had no doubt life was twisted. [1]

She loaded her gun, the weight familiar in her not-yet calloused hands, and took aim.

*Bang*

Yes, twisted.

Bulls-eye.

(c) blade 2006

[1] Is it me, or is this sentence just plain weird?

Morbid Thoughts

2006-06-13T04:45:00.000-07:00

I have this feeling that this entry is going to be turning out morbid - as in...really morbid. I guess it can't really be helped, not really.

Recently, i got hooked onto the fandom of Final Fantasy 7 - you know, the one with the famous Cloud Strife and General Sephiroth? Yeah, that one. And i just realised how sad- no, sad isn't a fitting word for it. Tragic. Yeah. I just realised how tragic the entire story is.

I mean, General Sephiroth - the perfect SOLDIER turns into a raving powerful mad man who wishes to take over / destroy the world. And Cloud? He idolized Sephiroth. And killed him. It's really a tragic fate. And if you take into account Zack - the guy who, if i'm not wrong, was in Cloud's head or something [I really won't know - i've never actually played the game.] who got killed trying to protect Cloud. And, if fanfiction is all that accurate in portraying relationships between characters, Zack was Sephiroth's friend!

I can't help but feel that their fates are horribly twisted somehow.

Or maybe the angst is taking a toll on me - i just subjected myself to a really beautiful piece of fanwork and ended up tearing.

It is so sad. [Pardon my lack of vocabulary - i haven't got down to reading the Oxford dictionary yet]

On the other hand, and on a much lighter note, my fic has received reviews! It's stupid to feel so happy over comments from people i'd probably never ever know, but i am. It's nice to know someone actually likes my style of writing - oh wait, was there even a style anyway?

And in case you're wondering, yes, it's the one without the epilogue. And i seriously doubt there'll be one soon, considering the fact that the plot's so twisted i don't even know how to end. Yepz, kudos to me.

Whatever.

bad karma

2006-06-11T00:38:00.000-07:00

Talk about bad karma!

Seriously, i couldn't have chosen a worse time to fall. I just had to choose the period where there's lotsa gatherings and stuff... okay, so maybe i'm also rather lazy to go to the gatherings and stuff. I'm one lazy person and i'm some kind of hermit.

Really.

Now don't stare at me like that. It's true.

Though of course, shopping doesn't count.

Anyway, where was i again? Oh yeah. Bad karma.

My sis and i came up with this brilliant plan to go rollerblading. Granted, none of us could blade. Hell, i can't even balance right. In any case, that was the start of disaster. Sly disaster too. I mean, the weather was just begging us to go out and well...blade.

Anyway, the park we chose to blade at happened to have many slopes. [The other one was under construction] And i just had to cruise down a slope, didn't i? Fine, so maybe it was either i fall on the pavement or run headlong into the tree, screaming my ass off the entire time.

Talk about bad karma!

In any case, i'm actually rather glad i'm not a guy - if not, i would be suffering from a very bruised ego. Interestingly enough, i kind of find it amusing, though dressing my dumb wounds are a bitch. Seriously!

But really, i'd be content if there are less people knowing about this. It is still rather embarrassing, if you know what i mean. Yeah...

And believe me, i'm not the only one suffering from bad karma. I don't believe in karma though - it's just an expression i use. My couz fell down a slope too on the very same day. I mean, ouch! I'm quite sure he's got a worse case of pain. From what i hear, it's not pretty~

Oh well, yeah. So bad karma's the word of the day. Yeah.

I just hope my wounds don't scar. I'd be devastated if they do.

Oh please don't let them scar!!

But other than that brush with bad luck, i'm actually having a pretty good time at home! My first fic got reviews!! I'm over the moon with that. Yay!

Writer's galore and all that. Yepz.

Hahaz.

Bounce. Bubbles. Bounce.

It's a nice feeling. Though there are problems.

Remember i mentioned this piece that i have yet to write an epilogue for? Well yeah. That's the problem. I haven't wrote the epilogue. Reason because i have no idea what should happen to the characters. I just can't decide.

Fine, so i haven't decided which POV to use yet, but i figured i'd just stick with 1st since the whole chunk was in 1st.

Yeah, problamatic isn't it.

And no, i won't announce my pen-name to the world, so don't ask. It makes things much easier that way. Liberty and freedom and all that.

Agape

2006-06-05T07:56:00.002-07:00

I love you.

I really really do.

It's not often that i make open declarations of love, but this time, it finally registered in my brain that i do love the Lord God Almighty.

A wave of sheer happiness washes over me.

And you know the feeling when something huge inside you just wishes to burst forth and flow out of you - somehow, it reminds me of the sea. Anyway, back to the issue.

Yeah. I'm that happy.

I mean, i always wondered if i do love Him. Coz it's like...i doubt i'm the kind of person to love easily.

I have always been grateful. Who won't? After all, He sacrificed his only Son to die for us, die for me, so that we can all have eternal life! Jesus was crucified on the cross - can you imagine how excruciatingly painful that must have been? I mean, Passion of Christ doesn't even fully capture it. After all, it's only a movie.

He sacrificed his Son for us! For the people that ridiculed and put him up on that cross, and Jesus even asked God to forgive them. i mean, that is the most selfless and greatest act i've ever heard of.

And i have thought about it all - many a time. Yet i always wondered.

I wonder no more.

And i pray that my faith in the Lord God Almighty will never ever waver.

I feel like i'm shining, if you know what i mean. But then again, i have always been rather abstract so...yeah.

It's like...i feel so alive, and my aura or something is just seeping forth.

I'm not even sure if i make any sense.

But one thing's for sure.

I'm happy, very happy.

I feel like squealing.

Gosh, i feel like dancing.

It's like i'm free of inhibitions or something.

Breathless

2006-06-04T09:02:00.000-07:00

Breathless
Teaser

"Stay here," he had told her before turning back to the battlefield. She watched as he disappeared into the chaos- poisoned fumes and carnage and people fighting desperately for survival.

Yet where was she? Her lips pursed as she answered her own question, bitter.

In the safe house, cowering in the shadows, useless and utterly helpless.

She frowned, fists clenched and body stiff. She should be out there with them, fighting to end the bloody war. Her friends were dying, bleeding, and all she could do was watch and obey orders.

His orders.

She snorted, tossing her hair back in an arrogant manner as she recalled his specific words.

"You are not to go out there, no matter the circumstance. Stay here and keep the civilians calm."

Keep the civilains calm? Who was he trying to kid?

The only way to do so was for them to take the battle elsewhere. The battle cries would disappear, and so would the stench of blood permeating the room.

She knew exactly why he placed her here in this safehouse.

Not many people possessed the kind of courage needed to face the carnage. Or maybe that was something to do with being used to it. In any case, she was rather ignorant regarding that particular issue.

Not that she was hard-pressed to find out.

However, she enlisted to contribute something of worth, not to be told to sit here and wait out the battle. She admitted, albeit reluctantly, that her fighting skills were not up to par...and she probably wouldn't be able to stomach the sight of the battlefield. It still irked though, to be ordered into the safehouse, instead of being out there.

Her friends needed her, or so she would like to think.

She tried to convince herself that perhaps she wasn't as helpless as he perceived her to be. The attempt left her frustrated and angry, knowing that the Captain was right all along.

The safehouse shook in the force of the explosions outside. A child burst into frightened tears.

It fed her fury and irritation and she had the urge to run up to the child and tell him to shut up. She didn't.

It would have been inappropriate.

Inappropriate? People were dying outside and all she could about was the code of conduct. What was wrong with her? Did she really believe that the superiors had the luxury of time to reprimand her for telling a child to shut it?

No.

Yet somehow, she found herself wanting to obey his order. Stay here and keep the civilians calm. The voice in her head was mocking and she shook it away.

Forcefully unclenching her fingers, she made her way towards the irritating child. A smile that didn't reach her chocolate-brown eyes plastered itself on her face.

Crouching before him, she regarded him silently. He felt her presence, and as he looked up, she saw the still damp tear tracks running down his cheeks.

She took a breath, and tried to speak, only to hesitate. Children didn't like her. Avoiding her like the plague seemed like a more accurate description. She never cared for the likes of them, and they seemed to understand and stayed away.

Perhaps she exuded an aura. Back off!

If so, then this child was missing something. Or maybe he was just too distressed to care.

She finally settled on a simple question. "Why do you cry?"

A hiccough was her answer.

Their eyes met, chocolate and puffy red sapphire, and she continued, eyes never leaving his.

"There is nothing to cry about."

He stiffened visibly, blood draining from his face, leaving nothing but a sheen of sweat on pale skin. Slowly, tears started to leak out of his eyes again.

"I'm...i'm scared." He confessed. Her eyes widened in surprise.

"So am I," her mind confessed traitorously.

She sat down next to him, hugging her knees loosely as she stretched them a little. Her eyes were glassy and she felt the tell-tale tingle of incoming tears.

"My friends are outside fighting," she said conversationally. From the corner of her eyes, she saw him jerk to face her in surprise. "The blood i taste in the air might just be theirs."

His head bowed and he too, stared at some unknown that only he could see.

"Why aren't you out there?" He finally asked, breaching the unspoken silence between them.

The smile that graced her lips was sad and resigned.

She had protested when she heard his order, demanding instead to join the rest. Adamantly, he refused, gripping her shoulders so tight she knew they were going to bruise.

"No! I will never allow you out there." His eyes, beautiful amethyst eyes, were piercing into her with an intensity she never knew existed. And it shocked her into submission.

"My orders were to stay here," was her only reply.

"Liar."

His words cut deep into her and she whipped around to face him. Her eyes narrowed.

"What did you just say?" she growled at him, hands clenching.

He continued to stare ahead. "You're a liar."

Those harshly spoken words brought forth something she never did want to admit. Yet, in face of his words, so blatantly spoken, she could not help but...confront it.

He would not let her out there...

She was weak - that was a firmly established fact. Yet, there were weaker soldiers out on the battlefield.

A cynical smile graced her thin parched lips. She was his weakness. And therefore was not allowed on the battlefield. There was something twisted about her entire situation, yet she couldn't pinpoint it exactly.

Instead, she focused on her reply. "I am a weakness. Therefore, those are my orders."

He fixed her with an unreadable stare, before finally breaking away to stare once again at something only he could see.

Lowering her eyes to the cemented ground, she thought of the soft brush of his lips against hers, the crushing embrace that left her feeling empty as she watched him head towards the battlefield, and about intense amethyst eyes speaking everything he could not say and she would not admit.

Outside, the battle raged on.

(c) blade 2006

Lame

2006-06-01T05:57:00.000-07:00

I need to find something to do, i mean, how lame can one get?

I'm actually entertaining myself by reading the past entries of my blog! Like, come on~ Okay...so it's not like i don't read my past writings but still~ I usually read them for inspiration and the like, but no...now i'm just reading it for the sake of reading.

Why can't i express more interest in the news instead? Oh yeah, i forgot, because the news always bring bad news, and the good news are usually...well, rather dry to read if you ask me. So that's probably why i don't read the newspapers. Because they're either bad or dry, not to mention the fact that i seem to have this habit of studying the newspaper when i read it. Like...to prepare for general paper or something, which is rather odd since general paper is last year's history.

And National Geographic! I love National Geographic! I just hate the fact that the pictures are so clear and enlarged and sometimes, they happen to focus on things...like lizards! I mean, my sis flipped through the book and she didn't come across the bloody thing, yet when i flipped through it, i found it in like...two pages?! What is this? Bad karma? Not that i believe in karma, but anyway...

Where was i again?

Yes, me myself and i and my lack of ambition. You know, speaking of ambition, i remember Brutus in Julius Caesar saying something about it. Something about young ambition's ladder and the like. Oh, bemoan my pathetic excuse of a memory!

I'm trying to expel the Singlish in my words, simply because i find it rather unsophisticated. i mean, it's okay in writing, but somehow, i can't speak like i write. And that is a rather bad thing. My tongue seems to be disconnected from my brain and i am totally irked out by it! Argh!

Oh well...

I guess this is something that takes time. Or maybe i can just go for the shortcut - live in a foreign english speaking community for a year and see what happens. Maybe then i will manage to speak properly. Yes! Then i will sound more professional and i'd be happy.

Gosh. My last sentence makes me sound like an idiot.

oddity

2006-05-19T08:30:00.000-07:00

It feels so so surreal.

I feel kinda lost, as in like, aimless lost...you get what i mean? Anyway, that's the current state i'm in right now. I mean, i don't even have inspiration to read and that's something!

I blame it on my passing my advanced theory test for driving. As in like...after that ordeal was over, i don't seem to have anything else to fret about, other than the failure to apply for scholarships. Thing is, i can't do much about it until i can contact the people at the university so yeah, i'm kinda at a stalemate here.

Kinda sad, really.

So i'm inspiration-less. i can't seem to read, write or do anything else. Even baking seems to have lost its novelty. It's really quite crappy. And Hikaru no Go doesn't seem to engage me and my brain enough.

That's probably why i'm so restless over here. i should really go do something, or find something to do. Urgh. Me and my lack of ambition.

Hm...maybe i should study.

Campbell and Reece and that chem text that i bought for A's now seem quite appealing to me, for some really odd reason, especially since studying chemistry is about the last thing i would do...apart from studying physics. Of course, physics and me don't mix, so yeah.

The only thing that i want to be doing right now is to haul my ass over to HabourFront so i can buy the pizza burger. Really pathetic, isn't it? I mean, of course it is! The only compelling thing that i feel like doing is to what? Eat! Like...i'm on a diet here~

Not that it's working...but oh well, nothing much i can do about it, other than exercise...which unfortunately, is something that i haven't done for a very very long time. Since before the start of the year actually. It's actually rather amazing i haven't put on any weight at all. In fact, i think i lost half a kg, which isn't much but it's still better than nothing.

I am so absolutely brain-dead, and mind you, i seldom feel this way. Usually, i get the urge to do something! Like read, write, watch anime, sing...something! Anything! But no, i'm so stoned right here i'm rambling on my blog.

This reminds me of something i noticed quite some time ago. My entries are rather long. Ok, so scratch that, they're really long. Note my lack of vocabulary? Yeah, it's the after-effects of failing to read extensively and reading non-quality pieces of literature.

Like to kill a mockingbird? I'm at chapter one...since the beginning of last year. See what i mean? i need to start reading wisely...or maybe fess up and start reading the newspaper or something. The problem here is that i'm a huge procrastinator and i'm super lazy. Yeah, so much so that i'm lazy to write an epilogue...if that's the appropriate word to use...especially since the fic was a one-shot, for my latest masterpiece.

I'm still trying to decide whether i should post it online or not...

And no...i haven't came to any semblance of a conclusion.

Anyway...the epilogue is basically just an explanation of what happened, since the one-shot was written in first person and somehow is rather confusing. The ending of the one-shot is, at any rate...so the "epilogue"'s kinda essential...if you get what i mean. *shrugz*

So i'm stuck...mind, body and soul! My dear friend who shares my first name would just about scream "abstract!" right about now. Oh...and now comes this wave of nostalgia. I really miss Junior College. It's so fun.

But i guess the past is there for us to savor, and the present is for us to live to the fullest...and the future is for hope and is basically anyone's guess.

Oh well...

It seems that i always seem to end my entries (hahaz, interesting way to say it) in a reflective mood. Is this also part of what being abstract entails?

to bite one's tongue

2006-05-09T01:18:00.000-07:00

Fine, so maybe i went back on my words.

The thing is, i can't help it. It's like an addiction or something.

Okay, now that's scary.

Why? Why me?

So i just finished watching Prince of Tennis up until part one of the OVA and the suspense is killing me! And here i thought it'd be something safe to watch since the show was airing for such a long time. I had banked on the fact that since it was such a long anime, it would be able to satiate (now is that how you spell it? argh? where's my oxford dictionary again?) my anime cravings.

How was i to know that the OVA wasn't out yet and that the show was so deliciously addictive that i would be so hooked. Yepz, you've heard it right.

Hook, line and sinker.

Not to mention the regulars are so cool. It kinda inspires me to play tennis, which i would actually consider taking up if not for the fact that projectiles and me don't mix.

Oh yeah, where was i again?

Ah, me and my previous resolution not to read anymore fanfiction.

It's not working.

Why? Why me?

Even i'm not too sure.

Sadly to say, the Prince of Tennis fanbase is a lot smaller than previous fandoms that i used to coo over. Ahem, Gundam Wing, Ahem. And lots more others.

I feel strangely cheated, though i'm not sure if it's because i expected a larger fanbase or that the show hasn't really ended yet.

Oh well...

Nothing i can do about it...

strive

2006-04-27T08:06:00.000-07:00

This does it.

I'm formally avoiding fanfiction.

Yepz, you've heard it. I'm no longer going to read any more fanfiction.

It's not gonna be easy, but it is vital to my survival. Especially if i do not want my English to plummet down even further to the depths of hopeless horrendous and utterly atrocious.

My spelling was never good to begin with, but fanfiction really makes it look like the cherry on the cake, the tip of the iceberg. Seriously, i mustn't do this anymore. Unless i wish to be a laughing stock who cannot even spell or differentiate *you're and *your.

So i'm staying off fanfiction. Of course, writing them is a different matter entirely, since it will allow me to hopefully, forget the mistakes i've read and go back onto the path of good English and Spelling.

It's a really really sad thing that good fanfiction is so hard to find. Granted, they're not easy to write. I mean, look at it...you've gotta have good language, grammer, storyline, and characterization.

And much as i would adore to read those great pieces of literature, i simply cannot risk jeopardising my command of English any longer. Thus, my mind is rather made up.

Forsake Fanfiction for Good English.

Nice slogan ne?

I mean, just look at this entry! I won't even be surprised if there are spelling errors here already, which would be a really sad and embarrassing thing. My english used to be so much better back in secondary school. At that time, i get to pen down so much of my inspiration and the writings actually come out decent!

Now, even though i have time, i lack inspiration...which is by the way, is a very very sad thing. So what can i do? Huh? Writing without inspiration never did churn out decent pieces of writing, or at least, it applies to me. So yeah.

I'm rather stuck. And i really really need to improve my English. I mean, i despair at the state it is in right now! Maybe i should go read the dictionary. It may help...though i'd probably give up even before i get to B.

By the way, i've attempted to read the dictionary twice. So far, i haven't got past A yet.

Pitiful, isn't it?

Crying over Split Milk

2006-04-26T01:22:00.000-07:00

Very cliche title, i know, but then again, who ever said cliches weren't true ne?

There is no point crying over split milk; after all, life is too short for all that moping after all. Of course, that is just my personal point of view.

Take my A's for example - i didn't exactly do very well. Got an A for Math and Bs for my triple sciences, a B4 for GP, B3 for Chinese and a band 2 for Project Work. Sad, yeah i know. But after all, i made my choices as to how to spend my time, and i don't regret them. The fact that my Bio was graced with a B grade probably had to do with my brain freezing at the wrong time or something. And Chem, i guess my Skill C spa was rather disappointing in itself. But at that time, i knew i did try my best, so i guess, there isn't any point trying to butcher myself over it. Though i guess, if i wasn't so adverse to Chem in the first place, maybe i would have scored better.

Point is - Like what you take. After all, and here i quote Irvine from Final Fantasy 8, it's not like i drifted here on the tides of fate. I made my choices, and i like them and will stick to them. And at that time, i know i made the right choice! Or the best choice!

And that is why for Business, i will love it. I love it! And no, i'm not trying to psycho myself into liking it, i do! I want to learn about management and human resource and i can't get to do that in Accountancy! I want to mingle around with people, not stare off into space with numbers and figures flying in over my head. I especially do not want figures chasing me around in my sleep. That would be an utter nightmare. And screw the fact that it isn't a specialized degree - that's the reason i chose it! Because it's general, and will take me anywhere. I don't want to decide on such specializations so early on in life simply because i am not ready to do so. hell, i don't even know what i want to do.

What i do know however, is that business will take me anywhere! And i will get to meet people and feel powerful and stuff, instead of stressing over money matters and counting them in minute detail every second of the day. Remember Jill! This is exactly why you're taking business.

Whoever tells you that your results are wasted on this are simply narrow-minded! Like come off it! It's a blessing to even get a place at the university with your kind of screwed up grades! So don't regret your choice! Ever. There are chances to turn back and appeal, but you are not going to do so simply because your mind is made up and you have made the right choice! Yes!

Okay, so i've just re-read the whole thing and i just realized that i was talking to myself. So yeah. Kinda weird, i know. But anyhow, that's how weird i am!

So i won't cry over split milk, and i won't look back.

On a lighter note, Gakuen Alice is a really good anime to catch! After all, Hyuuga Natsume just happens to be the cutest and most dangerous guy in the whole wide world! He is so cute! Gosh! I am so totally in love. Hahaz.

Recently, i went out with a fellow NPCC camp-mate that i haven't talk to in ages and haven't seen in years! Okay, so maybe i'm just exaggerating just a lil' bit, but anyway, he called me a fangirl.

Am i really a fangirl?

Hm...

Maybe. After all, i do make those squeals and people (or rather, just one - my sis) often tell me to shut up.

So maybe i am one.

Hahaz.

So in summary of this entire entry - I'm an aspiring businesswoman who just happens to be a fangirl and goes by the alias iced_blade.

Gosh! This is spastic.

Blessed

2006-04-21T11:48:00.000-07:00

I have thought about this before but...

It sorta just registered in my brain how very blessed i am.

I mean, i know that the world is in chaos right now as compared to the little glass globe i've been living in...and i know that there are people who are having it rough, just like there are people whose lives are one smooth ride.

But it's only today that i realised how very blessed i am.

I mean, i know i lead a sheltered life. It doesn't exactly take an idiot to figure that out, and i know that the only problems i have at hand can only be solved by me and that the things that can't be solved are so out of my league i don't even bother to try salvaging.

And by sheltered, i don't mean naive. I know what's happening around the world and that life isn't just a bed of roses. There are worse things out there - things i don't wanna know about and don't wanna see.

For example, the natural disasters around the world, terrorism or even the little things such as the existence of old folk's homes. I know what's out there. I know it's bad. And i know how very blessed to be where i am, in my room typing away on this text box for my blog.

However, it is only now that it clicked into place in my brain.

I feel humbled and rather solemn.

And i thank God that i'm so blessed...and i can do nothing more than feel grateful and know how blessed i am, and maybe alleviate some of other's pain.

Blessed.

Young Heart

2006-03-29T04:45:00.000-08:00

I'm happy

I'm sad

I'm sleepy

I'm stressed

I can't make up my mind.

Just one and a half weeks ago, i moved to my new home. How terribly exciting. i have to admit i prefer my old one - not as many problems as now. It's crappy, really, but i shan't go into the details. I wish to avoid getting angry.

Anyway, i've got an interview for SMU scheduled on 1st April. Early ne? Anyway, that's mostly the reason for my *stress. i need to do well in this! Oh please please let me pass it!!!!

Currently, i'm waiting for nine o'clock so that i can call my really nice senior up; he's gonna give me interview tips - something that will be very very useful *nods head in emphasis*

Oh...and here's something interesting that i did~

Which Gundam Wing character are you?

Interesting ne? Considering that Relena's not really one of my favourite characters. On a brighter note, she's one of my favourite female anime character! The other is actually Haruko from Slamdunk.

Haha

Oh well, wish me luck for my interview!!! And hopefully, other interviews to come!

Muse

2006-02-09T22:27:00.000-08:00

I am so hooked.

The music courses through my veins, exciting me.

All i can do is go along with the flow.

Oh man. This is not good, since there is little in the fandom that can feed my hunger.

Well, at least it's feeding my muse, and i've written more than i have ever written in the past four years. I'm a deprived writer. So much so that my writing style has changed, for the worse, i think. i never really got the other style back, and it kinda pisses me off a little, but who can i blame?

I did choose science over literature.

And i would too if i had to do so again.

My poor poor sun-sick puppy of a muse.

This reminds me. I need to purchase another Azone notebook. You know, the kind with a black hard cover...the pages are running out thanks to my muse which attacks only after i've switched off the com. I'm simply too lazy to switch it back on again, so i settle with a pen instead.

Due to that, my writings are all over the place. In files, notebooks (some of which i've lost, to my horror) and on disks and thumbdrives. You get the idea...

It's irking me out, since i like to read them again for grammer and spelling checks, and most of the time, to continue with it. Yes, unfortunately, most of them are long and incomplete. The longest i got was what? 7o+ pages on word? And it was pure utter crap.

Yepz, i realised that only after spending such a bloody long time on it. How pathetic is that? No plot, no substance, and absolutely no depth. Urgh.

I should give up on multi-parts. They never work, they're never completed, and i always change my plot as i write so planning always become an utter waste of time. Besides, due to the fact that they're always perpectually incomplete, they're never published.

What an utter waste.

Yes, it's settled. I'd stick to one-shots instead.

Hook, Line and Sinker

2006-02-08T22:04:00.000-08:00

Ever since i watched the first episode of Gravitation, i got addicted. That is not good. Especially since i haven't finished my slam dunk fiction yet! Crap. I'm never gonna be able to finish a decent story. Argh. I'm like...at chapter three?!

So i was just thinking...maybe i should stick to one-shots, or rather, really long one-shots, or else i'm never gonna finish anything, and that is damn sad.

I sorta gave up on FF8 too. Got kinda bored with having to draw 100 of every magic for 6 characters. Plus, i stopped at the D-District Prison part, which is absolutely tedious since i'm gonna be running up and down and up again a lot of times. And that is just plain monotonous.

Yepz. Due to that, everything is 1/2 done and i'm pissed at myself for waking up so late everyday...but oh well, maybe i do deserve lotsa shuteye, considering i didn't get much in the past two years. What a life! What a sad pathetic life!

Urgh.

Forget it. I should just go back to my current muse - lotsa Ryuichi angst. Oh i love that guy! He's absolutely gorgeous, plus, it's interesting to develop his character. You know...about his pink bunny Kuma-chan and his childlike persona versus his stage face. I love it! Exciting really, to think of plots of why he turned out that way. *squeals*

Don't stare at me like that...

i have a life!

i just happen to love writing, that's all.

Besides, Shining Collection and Lost Complex are wonderful to listen to. And that's probably why i'm so pissed that i can't sing along.

Shining Collection is just too fast, and as for Lost Complex, i can't find the lyrics anywhere!!

Argh.

Forget it.

Tadaima!

2006-02-04T19:30:00.000-08:00

I'm back~

Hahaz! It's been a while since i had sworn off blogging to concetrate on my studies. Finally, it's over! (ok, so maybe it's been three months since it was officially over, but who cares? right!)

In any case, life's been really fun, cool and guess what?!

I'm replaying FF8 for the seventh time today! in a way... i got until the start of disc three when i decided to replay, since the *random rule has spread across EVERYWHERE thanks to stupid Edea.. oh well, forget it.

Hopefully this time round, i'd be able to conquer the game, side quests and all. Oh man...i really really wanna get Irvine's card~

Urgh.

Whatever.

Oh, and i just did this FF8 test. Really cool...though in a way, i think that i have more similarities with Quistis than Kiros...

You are Kiros! You're a pretty practical sort of person with a
good sense of ethics. Because you keep physically fit, you
look good wearing just about anything. Helpful and capable,
you're always a great person to have around.

Take the Final Fantasy 8 Test here!