On impulse, i clicked on Hong Lou Meng - the recording we did during enCOre and i realised how much i loved, love Chinese Orchestra.
The music, the feeling, the pure rush of emotions and adrenaline. The height of emotions that can be distinctly felt in the music and i realize what is missing.
This is.
This rush of emotions.
This passion.
This wonderful wonderful feeling.
I want to play again.
Not just with Kurenai, but with the orchestra. The practice, the music, the making faces at people sitting opposite you, the poking people awake and the countless amounts of sweets. The dismayed feeling that settles in the pit of your stomach as you realize that you simply cannot understand what the conductor is trying to say. And of course, the getting lost in the scores, the out of tunes, the screeching and my dearest partner playing cute silly songs silently to stave off the boredom as the conductor concentrates on some other section.
I love it.
I miss it.
It is beautiful and it is such a wonderful experience.
The sweaty palms. The cold fingers. The nervousness and excitment as you're faced with the stagelights. The flipping of scores. The changing of scores. The timing. The shrill pitch of the dizi. The melodious melodious gaohu that they make seem effortless.
I love it.
I want it.
I even miss the politics, if only because life is never perfect and imperfection is a form of perfection in itself. And the constant teasing. And the "cannot make it"s that always seem to come my way.
It all comes down to nostalgia i guess.
The grass here is sweet.
But the grass there is beautifully lush and green and the lingering sweetness will never go away.
The people.
The teachers.
All the crappy stupid stuff we faced.
The tears.
The laughter.
The wonder of it all.
It's different - performing on stage and sitting down in the audience and just passively listening. There is no rush, no heightened emotions, no adrenaline. No passion.
And that is what is missing.
For now at least.
I should go, for biz law is waiting.
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